Hereby violating my one-post-per-day bloggatory rule:
Had to share these lovely little nuggets of exclamation-point-heavy CD "reviews" from a death-metal fan site I found:
NEW!!FINIST(UKR): Crosses Shall Burn (demo) 4€/5$
(Blackened Aryan Heavy White Power Metal with NOKTURNAL MORTUM members! Music is close to traditional metal with aryan approach and more Blackish parts too! Glossy pro covers!)
…wondering how "blackened white power metal" works and what you get when you mix an "aryan approach" with "Blackish parts" … is it mixed-race? self-loathing?
JACKAL’S TRUTH(GRE): Dominus Silvae (demo) 3,5€/4$
(Black Metal in the Greek spirit! Includes synth, talented melodies and some female vocals, but still with a malice message! Very pro covers! For fans of newer Rotting Christ!)
…Hooray! Greek spirit! Angry Dionysian melodies about pastitsio, ouzo and the dance where they pick up the chairs in their mouths! … Is it just me, or does "newer Rotting Christ" sound like a slogan from a Japanese alt-kid’s t-shirt? "Newer Rotting Christ Very Touchy I Love You" ? Can’t wait to see the Sanrio tie-in…
NEW!!LUTOMYSL(UKR): The Challenge (demo) 4€/5$
(Aggressive Aryan Black Metal with melodies and great atmosphere! All texts and lyrics in Russian, feel the Aryan rage! Covers proprinted hard paper)
Russian… Aryan. Russian… Aryan. Am I missing something here? At least it’s got "melodies" and "texts."
NEW!!OBSCVRVS ADVOCAM(FRA): Fervour and Devotion 4€/5$
(Mystical French Black Metal with obscure atmosphere!)
Obscvrus advocam, hvh? Sovnds vncannily Romanesqve to me. Bvt what do I know? I’m jvst an vnderedvcated gradvate of Vnited States pvblic schools. Vh-hvh.
SLUGATHOR(FIN): Unleashing the Slugathron (cassLP) 5€/6$
(Official tapeversion released by Northern Sound Records of the full-lenght Agonia released! Unmerciful Death Metal assault with trashy infuence, the dead rest no more as Slugathor grinds the skulls and bones!!!)
There is absolutely no comment that would make this any funnier than it is on its own merits.