The Varieties of Religious Experience

Brothers and sisters, I have seen the light… I have turned from my ignorant and wicked ways and become a member of this guy’s church.

Our key tenets:

  • Crescent moons are evil. (Really, you must scroll down and look at the pictures.)
  • A man’s we-wee [sic] retracts into his body during the crescent moon of October ("holloweeny") unless he engages in practices resulting in "seed loss."
  • GE, inflatable churches, the Pope, Cheerios and Luna Bars are also evil.
  • Sleep deprivation and unmedicated schizophrenia are valuable tools for creating a new translation of the Bible.

I know what this fellow says is true, because he has seen God (or was it Satan? he’s a little unclear). Unfortunately, I cannot contact him and thank him for setting me on the path to eternal righteousness, since he has not had access to e-mail since January 2003.

Hallelujah and pass the potato salad!

About Molly Newman

Writer, cook and trivia/spelling bee hostess, living it up in North Portland.
This entry was posted in Religion. Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to The Varieties of Religious Experience

  1. Lori V. says:

    Holy bejeeeeeezus, Molly! Where the hell did you find this?!?!?! I’d be LMAO if I weren’t so disturbed knowing that there are really people like this walking around somewhere! Rock on, fellow heathen!

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