Worst. Movie. Ever.

So last night we went out with Trevor & Laura for a two-fer: the local Skillsfest (hip-hop festival) and Member Appreciation Night at the Avalon (independent film/shows venue). Went by Skillsfest, discovered they were running very-very late, headed over to the Avalon for free snackies and drinkies and movie.

There was a most unusual jazz combo playing, featuring a mandolin. Also a guy with a fez. And they seemed to be playing lite-jazz versions of ’50s rock’n’roll favorites. But hey, that’s OK! The plethora of cheese available more than made up for it. Though the sage cheddar was really a little weird, and there were no spreaders for the Saga Blue so I had to leave it alone.

So we headed into the theater proper with our laden paper napkins (no plates–why?) and brimming plastic cups of wine (except Laura, who had root beer) and sat down in the front row of the balcony, which is where the Cool Kids sit. Built-in foot rest and snack holder and all, you know. And we ate, drank and made merry for some time.

Then the movie started. Goodbye Dragon Inn. And we settled back to watch it, hopes high. (The last Member Appreciation Night featured Dear Frankie, which we quite liked.) And we waited for something to happen.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Twenty minutes into this orgy of cinematographic self-indulgence, the following had happened:

  • In shabby, unpleasant theater, audience gathers to watch a movie set in 15th-century China.
  • Club-footed woman washes hands at great length in bathroom sink.
  • Mysterious man walks down hallway.
  • Club-footed woman walks, slowly and painfully, down same hallway.
  • Man in theater is disturbed by noisily eating patrons. He moves to another seat. A pair of bare feet is thrust over the back of his seat. A large man sits next to him, then gets up and moves away.
  • Club-footed woman eats large pink bun-like foodstuff with a brown filling. For five minutes. And then another three-minute recap.
  • Club-footed woman climbs stairs, slowly and painfully, to projection room. Adjusts something inside projection room door. Descends stairs, slowly and painfully.

Note what is not included in the list above:

  • Semblance of plot.
  • Dialogue.
  • What really would have made it worthwhile: vengeful gang invading theater, gunning down all present, then performing nifty martial-arts dance a la Kung Fu Hustle.

So we left. Which I have never, ever done before.

So we’re Philistines. But at least we were no longer bored Philistines. We went back to the Skillsfest and watched some truly mind-boggling b-boy battles. (Laura’s favorite: the poppin’ and lockin’ contest. My favorite: the barely concealed aggression as the crews mimicked each others’ moves in the final rounds.)

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About Molly Newman

Writer, cook and trivia/spelling bee hostess, living it up in North Portland.
This entry was posted in Film. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Worst. Movie. Ever.

  1. Herm says:

    I am shocked–schocked–that you walked out on this movie.
    Had you stayed just 55 minutes longer, you would have seen one of the most satisfying denouements in cinematic history: clubfooted woman painfully makes her way back to projection room, watches–painfully–as movie ends, then switches off projector. Painfully.

  2. dcjoe says:

    Funny, I felt exactly the same way about ‘Groundhog Day.’ Seriously.

  3. Gwyn says:

    God, it sounds like really bad “Waiting for Godot,” which I never understood, either.
    But try this one–“Hero.” Some kid talked my husband into BUYING it. Have we got a deal for you on ebay!

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