Did I fall in a hole?

Well, um. Sort of. Er, no.

Remember the vaunted "wireless access" I was going to "have" at the "Hard" Rock Hotel? Yeah. It was $11.95 a day (gotta love Vegas, home of the $5-each-way public transit!) and provided coverage that was at best, spotty, and at at worst just downright phlegmy. Not phlegmatic, just phlegmy.

Anyway… a truly fine time was had by all, or at least most, and I have oodles of photos to post. So I need to get off my toches (silly Anglo me thought it was "tuchus") and install Photoshop Elements 4.0 so I can (a) write a review of it for the book, and (2) get those pictures edited (double chins and squirrelly-yellow incisors begone!)  and posted.

And in other news: work is progressing on Dickens World, a thrill-a-minute theme park based upon the works of everyone’s favorite Victorian optimist. Just imagine… you can peer through the soot-smeared windows of a rattletrap carriage into the hovel where Tiny Tim smiles bravely over his crutches… tearfully watch the expiration of an Animatronic Little Nell… write home postcards saying "I’m having the best of times, I’m having the worst of times." But why should we limit our Disneyfied literary imaginations to the writings of Mr. Dickens? Just imagine, coming to a stretch of redevelopment-slated industrial blight near you:

  • Bloomsday Every Day, where you can stroll along twisting, turning pathways past faux-decrepit pubs to the whispered accompaniment of thousands of punctuationless run-on sentences. Got ten minutes to spare? Make a stop at one of the caricature stalls and get a portrait of yourself as a young man.
  • The Attic, based upon the ever-expanding canon of that favorite of fourteen-year-old girls everywhere, V.C. Andrews. Grab your relatives and get jiggy with a burbling stew of underage sex, animal mutilation and inexplicable maternal violence. Woo hoo!
  • Austenland. Like a Renaissance Faire, but with a lot less cleavage.
  • Gaiman Gardens. Descend into a shadowy netherworld populated by smartmouthed punk fairies, sad-eyed human-animal chimeras and a couple of extremely efficient torturers. Hang on to your seat for a wild ride through the clashing mythologies of dozens of cultures! Hmm, this one might actually work… where do I sign up?
  • Holy Land Experience, a romp through the foundations of modern Christianity with a nod to its Jewish roots. Thrill to the sounds of the shofar! Buy a $3 Coke from an authentic-looking roving street vendor! Don’t forget to stop by Methusaleh’s Mosaics for a one-of-a-kind souvenir! Oh, hell… this one already exists.
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About Molly Newman

Writer, cook and trivia/spelling bee hostess, living it up in North Portland.
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5 Responses to Did I fall in a hole?

  1. Herm says:

    Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
    And: TS Eliot’s “The Waste Land Orlando”(half price for the month of April–now the COOLEST month!)

  2. RedMolly says:

    Ow, I have hurt something by laughing so hard. ow.

  3. Amy Sorensen says:

    Too funny (I’m giggling at your sister’s comment, too!) Of course, there is always St. Agnes’ Eve theme park, but it’s only open only in January…

  4. wondered where you went after your email! That sucks! Would loved to have heard from you… 😦

  5. Gwyn says:

    I thought you were joking about it. I see you aren’t. It really is BBC News, not the Onion. OMG, I wish it would be ready before our trip there this summer, LOL.

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