Auto Repair for (Whorish) Dummies

Putting air in a tire is easy and fun. Why not try it today?

You will need:
1 1993 Plymouth GRAND Voyager or similar piece of crap vehicle
1 extremely flat tire (if it doesn’t go "fwap-fwap-fwap" when you drive, it’s not flat enough)
1 low-cut tank top
1 push-up bra
1 squirrelly four-year-old with a noisemaking gun-type toy (where he got it, I do not know)

Proceed to your friendly neighborhood auto repair center. Get out of car. Say in exaggeratedly cheerful voice, "All right, [four-year-old], let’s give this a try."

Remove air hose from bracket. Look befuddledly at nozzle. Give lever a test squeeze. Be startled by resulting puff of air.

Unscrew cap from little metal air-ingress thingy on tire. Attempt to force congress between air hose and tire. Squeeze lever. Repeat startle maneuver. Ask four-year-old to stop "pshew-pshew-pshew"ing at you. (For the uninitiated, this is the sound made by blasters in the Star Wars series.)

Smile at young fellow with greasy smudges all over arms as he exits the garage area and comes toward you. When he asks if you need a hand, say YES! Stand aside and let him perform his manly duty. Thank him profusely, but not too profusely. You don’t want to have to fend off any weirdness. When he points out the screw imbedded in your tire, say to four-year-old, "Well, look at that! We’ll have to show that to Papa when he gets home."

38 psi later, drive away with a happy grin and unbesmirched hands. Life is good.


About Molly Newman

Writer, cook and trivia/spelling bee hostess, living it up in North Portland.
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4 Responses to Auto Repair for (Whorish) Dummies

  1. ROFL!! ‘Well, look at that!’ hahahahhahahah! i’ll be darned! next time i get a flap flap i’m so trying this!

  2. Melissa says:

    It’s amazing what a tank top and push up bra can do for you…that’s what I’m going to put in my car emergency kit…thanks!

  3. Mimi says:

    I wish I had something to push up, sigh!

  4. Ha ha ha, I have totally done this!!!!!!! We are SO the opposite of women’s lib, huh? ROTFL…………..

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