Isn’t it lovely that there’s a day each year devoted to that most bubbly and unreliable of emotions, Romantic Love? Where would florists, Hallmark shops and retailers of novelty panties be without Valentine’s Day?
But really, at the heart of it all, beyond the nasty Russell Stover "chocolates" and the limp Honduras-grown roses, romance is all about the hubba-hubba, the bumpin’ uglies, the bow-chicka-bow-bow. So it is with the greatest of glee that I offer for your perusal a collection of sexy sex tidbits re: sex.
First of all: Gorillas Gone Wild! Gorillas, like most other animals–including our other non-bonobo primate cousins–usually have sex in what is described scientifically as the "dorso-ventral position," or colloquially as "doggy-style." But two days ago, scientists from the Wildlife Conservation Society and the Max Planck Institute of Evolutionary Anthropology released photos of two gorillas mating "ventro-ventrally," or "face to face," or "people-style." Awww! Sweet! Romantic! Those big fuzzy lugs are just like us. Except, rather disturbingly, the photos include the female partner’s juvenile daughter sitting off to the side and observing, which, ew, that’s why Mama and Papa have a door that closes. (Hat tip: Herm.)
Second of all: Texas Smackdown! The Texas Legislature, home of such popular laws as "no buttsecks for anybody" (struck down by the Supreme Court in 2003), has long kept the good people of Texas from being able to legally acquire and use a variety of sex toys. But yesterday, the Fifth Circuit Court struck down the law forbidding the "sale or promotion of obscene devices," finding that this law violated the 14th Amendment’s guarantee of privacy. For a very funny, uniquely Molly Ivins-style look at the absurdity of this law, check out this edited version of the Dildo Diaries (note that "edited" means "shorter," not "child-appropriate").
Third of all: Does your boring relationship need some spicing up? Surprisingly, you can restore that brand-fresh excitement by… um, doing something less boring than what you’re used to. From the Department of the Startlingly Obvious comes a study showing that couples who engaged in "novel" activities (such as riding a roller coaster together) experienced higher levels of brain activation and expressed more satisfaction with their relationships than did couples who engaged in "pleasant" but familiar activities such as eating at a favorite restaurant. My prescription for marital happiness? A skydiving trip, followed by purchase of an "educational model" and/or "personal massager" and some serious ventro-ventral action. (Or dorso-ventral action. Whatev. Gotta keep the novelty level high.)
Finally: vegans and carnivores, a match quite possibly not made in heaven. Man, I am looking forward to Sweetie’s and my pan-seared filet mignon with mustard-Cognac sauce and twice-baked potatoes tonight. Who loves ya babe?
Happy Valentine’s Day to all you starry-eyed lovers out there!