Happy Valentine’s Day: The Sex Edition

Isn’t it lovely that there’s a day each year devoted to that most bubbly and unreliable of emotions, Romantic Love? Where would florists, Hallmark shops and retailers of novelty panties be without Valentine’s Day?

But really, at the heart of it all, beyond the nasty Russell Stover "chocolates" and the limp Honduras-grown roses, romance is all about the hubba-hubba, the bumpin’ uglies, the bow-chicka-bow-bow. So it is with the greatest of glee that I offer for your perusal a collection of sexy sex tidbits re: sex.

First of all: Gorillas Gone Wild! Gorillas, like most other animals–including our other non-bonobo primate cousins–usually have sex in what is described scientifically as the "dorso-ventral position," or colloquially as "doggy-style." But two days ago, scientists from the Wildlife Conservation Society and the Max Planck Institute of Evolutionary Anthropology released photos of two gorillas mating "ventro-ventrally," or "face to face," or "people-style." Awww! Sweet!  Romantic! Those big fuzzy lugs are just like us. Except, rather disturbingly, the photos include the female partner’s juvenile daughter sitting off to the side and observing, which, ew, that’s why Mama and Papa have a door that closes. (Hat tip: Herm.)

Second of all: Texas Smackdown! The Texas Legislature, home of such popular laws as "no buttsecks for anybody" (struck down by the Supreme Court in 2003), has long kept the good people of Texas from being able to legally acquire and use a variety of sex toys. But yesterday, the Fifth Circuit Court struck down the law forbidding the "sale or promotion of obscene devices," finding that this law violated the 14th Amendment’s guarantee of privacy. For a very funny, uniquely Molly Ivins-style look at the absurdity of this law, check out this edited version of the Dildo Diaries (note that "edited" means "shorter," not "child-appropriate").

Hooray, Texans! Time to celebrate! Might I suggest a celebratory stop at a fine purveyor of adult products such as Blowfish or Good Vibrations?

Third of all: Does your boring relationship need some spicing up? Surprisingly, you can restore that brand-fresh excitement by… um, doing something less boring than what you’re used to. From the Department of the Startlingly Obvious comes a study showing that couples who engaged in "novel" activities (such as riding a roller coaster together) experienced higher levels of brain activation and expressed more satisfaction with their relationships than did couples who engaged in "pleasant" but familiar activities such as eating at a favorite restaurant. My prescription for marital happiness? A skydiving trip, followed by purchase of an "educational model" and/or "personal massager" and some serious ventro-ventral action. (Or dorso-ventral action. Whatev. Gotta keep the novelty level high.)

Finally: vegans and carnivores, a match quite possibly not made in heaven. Man, I am looking forward to Sweetie’s and my pan-seared filet mignon with mustard-Cognac sauce and twice-baked potatoes tonight. Who loves ya babe?

Happy Valentine’s Day to all you starry-eyed lovers out there!

About Molly Newman

Writer, cook and trivia/spelling bee hostess, living it up in North Portland.
This entry was posted in Food and Drink, Lighter Side of Science, Politics, Science. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Happy Valentine’s Day: The Sex Edition

  1. COD says:

    Clearly, when the apes gain speech her first words will be, “Get your paws off me, you damn dirty ape.” 🙂

  2. Magpie Ima says:

    Great post, Molly–this one made my day!

  3. Mimi says:

    Heh heh ‘human style’

  4. azureavian says:

    just because, you know, my mind works that way… is there ever a situation in which “edited” as referring to a post about dildos *is* child appropriate? or is that showing my horribly out-of-date information-suppressional tendencies towards my children again? ok, just checking.

  5. RedMolly says:

    I would have to say it would depend on the child.

  6. Lori V. says:

    But, Molly, why didn’t you mention My Beloved’s Garden for sex toys? Haven’t heard of it? It’s a site with *Christian* sex toys… there’s a difference, you know…

  7. Stephanie T. says:

    Better warn daughter number one NOT to schedule any ‘lingerie’ parties in Texas! It’s bad enough that she’s working two jobs to help pay for the wedding…but now THIS! I guess Creative Memories has lost it’s appeal as a home- based business. She has sales training this weekend in Fresno of all places…I don’t EVEN want to ask!!
    OMG…just read Lori V.’s post!! Hmmm…wonder if there’s a kosher site??

  8. Summer says:

    What a great post- so sorry I just now got around to it. Loved the gorilla pic and info. I showed it proudly to Mike with a big smile on my face and he wasn’t as moved as I was. Fine. No ventral action at all for him. Harumph.
    I particularly liked this phrase:
    ” “It is also interesting that this same adult female has been noted for innovative behaviors before.”
    Heh. You go girl. Er, Girl-illa.

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