Whold Your Whorses

Most little girls have a moderate to serious obsession with horses. I, not being a Real Girl, never did. Well, I read Black Beauty and Misty of Chincoteague and a couple of the Black Stallion books, from whence I developed an unholy love of the name "Alec." But the whole horses-are-beautiful thing? Just kind of passed me by.

My sister was a much more wholehearted horsie fan. She loved and adored her Breyer horses, which I have to admit were pretty cute.

But you know what was wrong with those Breyer horses?

They just weren’t slutty enough.

No boobs. No sparkly eyelashes. No high freakin’ heels.

Thankfully, though, Playmates Toys–makers of such quality products as (Slutty) Disney Fairies and (Slutted Up for a New Millennium) Strawberry Shortcake–has found the perfect way to combine prepubescent girls’ age-old fascination with horses with contemporary American culture’s focus on glitter, cell phones and underage sexuality.

Presenting: Struts!


The inaugural "Runway Magic" collection includes four different horse figurines, each of which comes with "a head shot and a personal bio… just like a real model!" That’s awesome, because if there’s one thing young girls are missing out on today, it’s the opportunity to learn all about the vast career potential offered by the modeling industry.

Sadly, the little one with the pink shoes is doomed to failure when she turns up at her first audition and is told they’re not interested in anyone less than 15 hands high at the withers. And the purple-togged one next to her is far too ethnic for the cover of Equestrienne. The other two? They can look forward to two or three wild seasons of coked-out jet-setting before they pack on a couple extra pounds around the fetlocks and end up getting pregnant by some washed-up racehorse. Look for them hanging all over the Budweiser Clydesdales in the paddock at Super Bowl LXV.

Here’s what a real Strut looks like:


Look, you can brush her tail and play with her pearl bridle. I wonder if her platform shoes come off, or if they’ve been nailed on by the farrier equivalent of Sergio Rossi?

About Molly Newman

Writer, cook and trivia/spelling bee hostess, living it up in North Portland.
This entry was posted in Biting Social Commentary, Sorta, Current Affairs, Pointless Rants. Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Whold Your Whorses

  1. Janelle says:

    Thanks for making the Downfall of our Civilization go down a little easier with chuckles. 😉

  2. COD says:

    Those may be the first horses ever that my daughter won’t be interested in.

  3. Helena says:

    Yikes. They’re kind of ugly, don’t you think?
    My friend and I used to make clothes for our Breyer horses. We made braided halters out of embroidery floss, with long flowing tassels. I recall at least one of them also had a crocheted skirt.

  4. Are you sure that’s not a pearl necklace?
    Jesus! When Small Child was two, and we moved from OR to TX, we stopped at McD’s en route because we were slaves to Playland (I’m not proud). That summer, every “girl” HappyMeal contained a miniature Bratz/Ho doll.
    That Christmas when the Doll House arrived, Husband slyly remarked to Small Child, “Sweetie, those girls stand OUTSIDE the house, on the corner…”
    Now I know what they ride.
    Thanks for making my day.

  5. heidikins says:

    Ohmygaaash! Those are horrible! But hey, if the mothers encourage their daughters to be prosti-tots, they may as well have a slutty horse to complete the dream.

  6. Lori V. says:

    Yeah. Total sluts. I only let a select FEW brush MY tail and play with MY pearl bridle! Heh.

  7. Stephanie T. says:

    Shit! Platforms are ‘back’???
    (ps…I wonder what the boy horsies look like?)

  8. Amy Sorensen says:

    SERIOUSLY? Suddenly I am glad my daughter is a teenager. A thing I am rarely happy about, so see the magic you worked today??? 😉

  9. Mimi says:

    Oh my goodness, that’s all kinds of wrong, ridden hard and put away wet.
    My sister was the horsey gal in our family too, my horse phase was pretty short lived.

  10. Herm says:

    Baaaarf. Don’t they know that horses are beautiful and wonderful and perfect, just the way they are? Even without the sparkles?
    It must be significant that the current crop (heh)of 14-year-old Russian runway models is (are?) always described as “coltish.”
    I can’t remember the names of any of those Breyer horses, though for some reason I feel like I named my Palomino “Palomino.” Is that possible?

  11. azureavian says:

    omg. just, omg. what ever happened to plain, play-with-it toys. all the fun has to be handed to the kid without any chance to figure it out themselves. unfortunatly these look like something my girls will be begging for for xmas. no, i’m not buying them. no, hell no, oh hell no.
    i was horse crazy when i was young and still absolutely adore them and miss riding. does it say something, tho, that Malibu Skipper wore hand-made clothes (when she wasn’t wearing fig leaves and cactus spines) and rode a lion who wore a saddle? i’m sure that says something about my psychology at the time, but i don’t care. =)

  12. Summer says:

    Oh ho!
    Too revolting and yet, slightly intriguing. The white one looks at me so coyly, I almost want to know more of her story…..
    (( seriously tho, in all honesty, I get more enjoyment from reading your blog than the ending editorial in EW magazine. ))

  13. Kiki says:

    wow…that just made me throw up in my mouth a little…as if gender-coding wasn’t bad enough…

  14. Maria says:

    I feel dirty after having seen these. At first, I thought it was a joke…redmolly making fun. Then I realized: It IS a joke. Every single tired toy aimed at my daughter is a joke. A sick, sick joke. Thank heavens she hates the color pink and eschews slutty dolls and role models. I consider my job on earth as mom worthwhile now. At least until the next episode of Hannah Montana.
    no. that was a joke. really.

  15. Oldfart says:

    I wonder. Do you think these products, including the Bratz Ho’s, are produced unconsciously by closet perverts and, if so, are they male perverts or female perverts or do they act in concert?
    Inquiring minds want to know……

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