Most little girls have a moderate to serious obsession with horses. I, not being a Real Girl, never did. Well, I read Black Beauty and Misty of Chincoteague and a couple of the Black Stallion books, from whence I developed an unholy love of the name "Alec." But the whole horses-are-beautiful thing? Just kind of passed me by.
My sister was a much more wholehearted horsie fan. She loved and adored her Breyer horses, which I have to admit were pretty cute.
But you know what was wrong with those Breyer horses?
They just weren’t slutty enough.
No boobs. No sparkly eyelashes. No high freakin’ heels.
Thankfully, though, Playmates Toys–makers of such quality products as (Slutty) Disney Fairies and (Slutted Up for a New Millennium) Strawberry Shortcake–has found the perfect way to combine prepubescent girls’ age-old fascination with horses with contemporary American culture’s focus on glitter, cell phones and underage sexuality.
The inaugural "Runway Magic" collection includes four different horse figurines, each of which comes with "a head shot and a personal bio… just like a real model!" That’s awesome, because if there’s one thing young girls are missing out on today, it’s the opportunity to learn all about the vast career potential offered by the modeling industry.
Sadly, the little one with the pink shoes is doomed to failure when she turns up at her first audition and is told they’re not interested in anyone less than 15 hands high at the withers. And the purple-togged one next to her is far too ethnic for the cover of Equestrienne. The other two? They can look forward to two or three wild seasons of coked-out jet-setting before they pack on a couple extra pounds around the fetlocks and end up getting pregnant by some washed-up racehorse. Look for them hanging all over the Budweiser Clydesdales in the paddock at Super Bowl LXV.
Here’s what a real Strut looks like:
Look, you can brush her tail and play with her pearl bridle. I wonder if her platform shoes come off, or if they’ve been nailed on by the farrier equivalent of Sergio Rossi?