My deepest apologies

…to those of you who may have come here as the result of a Google search. Because you are almost assuredly not going to find the information you are looking for, because this blog is guaranteed 100% Useful Information-Free.

For example, Mr. or Ms. "beirut prenzlauerberg lyrics," I have no freakin’ idea what those lyrics are. Is it even in English? It sure is a pretty song, though, isn’t it? And isn’t it just completely wrong that this blog, of all things, should come up as #4 in your Google search? To console you, though, here’s what I think he’s singing:

"So you found my old line, Carl,
My time is more than most
The rent’s all I hoped I’d found
But I don’t know their names."

Completely useless, wasn’t that?

And to the three (!) people yesterday searching for the lyrics to that execrable old Baptist favorite, "It’s a Happy Day (And I Thank God for the Weather)": I can only hope that stumbling across this thoroughly non-Baptist site will open your eyes to the wide and wonderful variety of music out there that doesn’t involve "livin’ it for the Lord." Or hand motions. You can start with the soon-to-be-updated Listen list <– over there.

Also, the lyrics are not that difficult to decipher. You could probably track down an old Gaither LP and run with it from there.

To the many folks who stumbled momentarily across the Pic-Dem by looking up "slim shady, you a basehead" or "hey kids! do you like violence?": Isn’t it sad that Eminem appears to have retired? We can only hope that Kim or somebody smacks him with a big lawsuit and he suddenly needs to come up with a lot of money in a hurry. But if you want to read about Eminem, I really think it’s a pretty damn good post on the subject.

And to the few, the proud, the eco-minded (including you, Lori!) who are in search of "squawk mountain countertops": they’re actually spelled "Squak Mountain" and you can find them right here. My parents recently had them installed in their kitchen. They’re made of recycled paper, fly ash (which is apparently some kind of industrial byproduct and not, sadly, burned-up houseflies) and other such goodies. Mom and Dad love them, though they do have a tendency to stain if you, frex, spill Jim Beam on them.

To the person who was looking for "dirty schwan’s man" late last night, as well as the folks looking for "pimpin’ nails" and "sid and nancy handcuffs" images… Ew. (Though, if I do say so myself, "I Traded My Baby for Crack Cocaine" was a fairly entertaining post.)

And finally, to the person in search of "list of current events for homeschool": I’ve got the perfect solution for you. It’s called a newspaper. Fifty cents–buck twenty-five on Sundays–and the walk to the store’ll do you good.